The Initiation

2006-09-09T00:45:00.000-07:00

2006-05-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

GoldenGateBridgeStories : Promote: "

alt='Click here to join GoldenGateBridgeStories'>
Click to join GoldenGateBridgeStories
"

2006-03-07T16:19:00.000-08:00

You scored as Shamanic Pagan. A shamanic pagan's roots are generally found in Native American faith. A true love and respect for the earth and all that it yields is central to their faith. Wisdom is most often found in spirit guides or totems, who can be animals, ancestors, or spirits. Pagans who follow this path tend to be far more aware of the delicate web that interweaves the lives of every person and thus move within that web accordingly. They're usually deeply insightful, friendly, loving people and excellent friends and parents. Mysterious and strong, as well, they are often the protectors of their friends and family as well as the moral compass for their friends and loved ones.

Ecclectic Pagan

95%

Shamanic Pagan

95%

Egyptian Pantheonic Pagan

80%

Greek Pantheonic Pagan

65%

Eastern Pagan

65%

Roman Pantheonic Pagan

65%

Kabbalistic Pagan

50%

Celtic Pantheonic Pagan

50%

Zoroastrian Pagan

50%

Sumerian, Babylonian, and Mesopotamian Pagans

40%

Norse Pantheonic Pagan (Asatru)

30%

Catholic (Pagan?)

20%

What kind of Pagan are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

2006-02-02T18:58:00.000-08:00

Freudian Inventory Results

Oral (56%) you appear to have a good balance of independence and interdependence knowing when to accept help and when to do things on your own.
Anal (36%) you appear to be overly lacking in self control and organization, and possibly have a compulsive need to defy authority. If you are too scatterbrained, you will not develop much as a person as you will habitually switch paths before you ever learn anything.
Phallic (70%) you appear to have issues with controlling your sexual desires and possibly fidelity.
Latency (16%) you appear to be overly practical; don't undervalue abstract learning, abstract learning increases your ability to make good decisions (and predictions) in the real world so it would be 'impractical' to shun it.
Genital (83%) you appear to have a progressive and openminded outlook on life unbeholden to regressive forces like traditional authority and convention.

Take Free Freudian Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

2006-01-28T21:19:00.000-08:00

Your Temperament is Idealist (NF)

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are rare, making up between 20 and 25 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

You are:

Champions (ENFP)

2006-01-28T21:10:00.000-08:00

You scored 88% comfort with what you know, 81% awareness of who you are, and 81% in doing what you say you do!

Description 1

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 50% on comfort
You scored higher than 50% on awareness
You scored higher than 50% on actions

Link: The Self-Awareness Test written by julie316 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

2006-01-28T20:46:00.000-08:00

Kingdomality - The Dreamer-Minstrel

2006-01-28T20:42:00.000-08:00

Zodiacal Zephyr: Acrophonology: "Corey:
You are a quick study, and can be self-taught. Your curiosity can get the best of you, but you must learn to concentrate. You have a great deal of loyalty to those you love. You have much inner strength. You enjoy a challenge. You can take thought-directed actions. You can be quite inventive and quite curious. Your independence and freedom are important to you.

Lee:
You are fair-minded sometimes to the point of being opinionated. You have a strong need to be loved and appreciated. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood.

Hale:
You are an 11th hour person, always succeeding just in the nick of time. The lesson of money is prominent in your life. You have much enthusiasm with a driving attitude toward achievement in life. You must learn the lessons of self-worth; learn to love yourself before you can love others. You need to learn to be expressive. You are a person who cannot tolerate being misunderstood."

2006-01-28T20:04:00.000-08:00

Lately I've heard a lot of people suggest that the squatter in the White House should meet with a timely demise. I can't be more explicit as that kind of talk can get you a quick visit from the "authorities", so you'll have to read between the lines. My response is to wish him and his cronies something else...I will be satisfied with nothing less than total, utter humiliation, something they have to live in shame with for a very, very long time. How wonderful it would be to see them put in their places, torn from their homes, their lives under a microscope, no where to turn where they won't be met with jeers and derision. Ahhh...a just fantasy...

2006-01-28T20:02:00.000-08:00

Yahoo! 360° - Hela's Profile

2005-12-06T10:44:00.000-08:00

2005-12-01T19:53:00.000-08:00

#################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### #################################################### ####################################################

Your personality type is SCUEI

You are social, calm, unstructured, moderately egocentric, and intellectual, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.

The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: Washington D.C., St. Louis, Albuquerque/Santa Fe, Salt Lake City, W. Palm Beach, Tampa/St. Petersburg, Raleigh/Durham, Denver, Seattle/Tacoma, Minneapolis and these international countries/regions Slovenia, Israel, Czech Republic, Russia, Netherlands, Denmark, Argentina, Argentina, Ukraine, Romania, Norway, Croatia, Hungary, Turkey, Sweden

What Places In The World Match Your Personality?
City Reviews at CityCulture.org

2005-09-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

My pirate name is:

Captain Mary Bonney

Even though there's no legal rank on a pirate ship, everyone recognizes you're the one in charge. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

2005-09-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

You are The Cabin Boy/Galley Wench

You, me lad, are an activist! You will not only change the world, you will make a dyed-in-the-wool Pirate dream of you in a sheep costume. You are the embodiment of the love that dare not hoist its sail! Ahoy thar! You could make a two-patch Pirate turn his head - but then he would lose sleep over it and what good would that do anyone? An innovator, you are WAY ahead of your time - and everyone else's. You are sensitive and artsy-fartsy. You say things like, "artsy-fartsy" but there is always a slight giggle in your voice when you say it - like Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares delivering a staggering punch line. Speaking of "punching" the only "punching" you would do is punching up that outfit with some accessories - say, a little bandana and some glass beads. You're not the Pirate we want in a fight, but we want you there for the crying game that follows! You go, girl.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

2005-09-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

Advanced Big 45 Personality Test Results

Gregariousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Poise	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Leadership	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Provocativeness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Self-Disclosure	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Talkativeness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Group Attachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Understanding	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Warmth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Pleasantness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Empathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Tenderness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Nurturance	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	38%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Conscientiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Efficiency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Purposefulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Organization	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Rationality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Planning	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Happiness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Moderation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Toughness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Impulse Control	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Imperturbability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Cool-headedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Tranquility	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Ingenuity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Reflection	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Competence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Quickness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Introspection	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Creativity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Depth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	72%

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Factor		low score	high score
Gregariousness	66%	quiet, reclusive	engaging, socially bold
Sociability	70%	withdrawn, hidden	warm, open, inviting
Assertiveness	62%	timid, gunshy	controlling, aggressive
Poise	66%	uneasy around others	socially comfortable
Leadership	70%	stays in background	prefers to lead
Provocativeness	58%	modest, plays it safe	bold, uninhibited, cocky
Self-Disclosure	66%	private, contained	very open and revealing
Talkativeness	30%	quiet, stealthy, invisible	motor mouth, loud
Group Attachment	38%	loves solitude	prefers to be with others
Understanding	66%	insensitive, schizoid	respectful, sympathetic
Warmth	70%	disinterested in others	supportive, helpful
Morality	58%	break/ignore the rules	play by the rules
Pleasantness	62%	aloof or disagreeable	gets along with others
Empathy	74%	out of tune w/ others	in tune with others
Cooperation	78%	competitive, warlike	agreeable, peaceful
Sympathy	66%	socially inconsiderate	socially conscious
Tenderness	54%	cold hearted, selfish	warm hearted, selfless
Nurturance	38%	self pleasing, me first	people pleasing, me last
Conscientiousness	34%	reckless, unscheduled	careful, planner
Efficiency	50%	unreliable, lazy	finisher, follows through
Dutifulness	58%	leisurely, derelict	strict, rule abiding
Purposefulness	58%	inattentive, undisciplined	prepared, focused
Organization	62%	relaxed, oblivious	detail oriented, anal
Cautiousness	30%	impulsive, spendthrift	restrained, cautious
Rationality	34%	irrational, random	direct, logical
Perfectionism	34%	careless, error prone	detail obsessed
Planning	34%	disorganized, random	scheduled, clean
Stability	62%	easily frustrated	calm, cool, unphased
Happiness	74%	unhappy, dissatisfied	self content, positive
Calmness	70%	touchy, volatile	even tempered, tolerant
Moderation	58%	needs instant gratification	easily delays gratification
Toughness	70%	hypersensitive, moody	thick skinned
Impulse Control	58%	lacks self control	maintains composure
Imperturbability	50%	highly emotional	emotionally contained
Cool-headedness	66%	demanding, controlling	accommodating
Tranquility	50%	emotionally volatile	emotionally neutral
Intellect	74%	instinctive, non-analytical	intellectual, analytical
Ingenuity	78%	lacks new ideas	innovative, novel
Reflection	74%	unreflective, coarse	art and beauty lover
Competence	70%	slow to understand/think	intellectual, brainy
Quickness	78%	intellectually dependent	intellectually independent
Introspection	62%	not self reflective	self searching
Creativity	66%	dull headed	synthesizer, iconoclast
Imagination	78%	practical, realistic	dreamer, unrealistic
Depth	74%	lacks curiosity	mental explorer

Take Free Advanced Big 45 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

2005-09-18T12:19:00.000-07:00

Maslow Inventory Results

Physiological Needs (40%) you appear to have an adequate supply of basic necessities.
Safety Needs (44%) you appear to have an adequately secure environment.
Love Needs (30%) you appear to be content with the quality of your social connections.
Esteem Needs (47%) you appear to have a medium level of skill competence.
Self-Actualization (60%) you appear to have an average level of individual development.

Take Free Maslow Inventory Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

2005-09-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a long time, been busy with life. Dropping in now just to complete unfinished business. That whole episode last year with Shonna (Queen wannabee witch) and Brianne (befuddled and confused follower) was painful, ugly, and unwarranted. The whole group of them deserve each other and their paranoid schizophrenia. I am disappointed in a few of the others, people who said things like "we've got your back", and "I'm still your friend", who've just dropped out of the picture. It was all juvenile and sickening, that adults could be so mean and have such a deep lack of integrity, not to mention a connection with some level of reality.

It's over now, for me, who knows for them, but I wanted to officially close the chapter for myself and end the conversation on my terms, not theirs. If anyone reading this feels I'm talking about them, or feels the need to talk any further about this, do me a favor and speak directly to me, rather than about me or behind my back. We don't need any further accusations, now do we?

2005-09-18T11:56:00.000-07:00

Main type	Variant

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Type 3	Image Awareness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Type 4	Sensitivity	\|\|\|\|	13%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|	13%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Your main type is 9
Your variant is sexual

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

2005-01-25T14:44:00.000-08:00

Take the quiz: "WHAT RELIGION BESTS SUITS YOU?"

Pagan/Occultist
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Spending your entire life searching various forms of philosophy and religion, you choose to observe everything and believe little. You're personality is one of truth seeking, nature respecting and god/goddess accepting. Lastly, you don't judge anyone, but if annoyed, you will exact some form of revenge. You don't believe in the Three-Fold Law.

2005-01-10T21:08:00.000-08:00

Your soul is bound to the Seventh Totem,
Pandora: The Spider.

Pandora appears as an amethyst spider. She
embodies creativity, imagination, craft, and
virtuosity. She is associated with the
color amethyst, the season of autumn, and the
element of wind. Her downfall is daydreaming.

You are most compatible with Tortoises and
Cockroaches.

Which Animal Spirit Totem Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-11-28T23:26:00.000-08:00

Jealousy and envy are ugly green eyed monsters, and it seems a few people are harboring them in their hearts and minds. A friend recently pointed out that I must seem REALLY powerful for people to feel so strongly about my abilities to do harm. What's funny to me is that while they've been spinning their wheels, I've been enjoying the holidays with my son, and getting on with life. It hurt at first, the betrayal, and the suddenness of it all...but I feel lighter somehow, having severed those energy cords and blocked more from developing. Whatever is directed at me is being turned towards Mother Earth, she knows just what to do with that stuff, far better than me.

It's been a busy week, I've suffered an embarrassment of riches really...I've been offered a number of different living situations, one here in Vegas in a gorgeous house in Summerlin, and three others, in various locations in Northern California, all near the water. I've also been busy writing my papers for school, and of course, fielding the normal family holiday bizarreness. What is it about holidays that makes their heads spin? Sean's also been sick so we took advantage of him being home so many days and rented movies til our eyes crossed, hung out on the couch and drank holiday spice pepsi :-) and ate pumpkin pie (with real whipped cream)

I'm still struggling with money, but the end is in sight, money's around the corner now and I can smell it. I'm in such a good space that I picked up the phone and called my dad and at the end of the conversation he said he loved me and to tell Sean he loved him too. He asked if I was at the same number and said he'd be calling later in the week when my stepmom gets home from Texas. I'm starting to think that certain friendships were really deadweights hanging onto my coattails.

In the meantime I've learned a lot about energy transfers and psychic attacks, and a real, honest to goodness attack takes a whole lot of focused mojo on the part of the attacker, especially to do any sort of real damage, including migraine's *rolling eyes*. I also confirmed what my intuation has been telling me all along, that usually a psychic attack is self inflicted, not always, but usually. It's interesting the situations our soul puts us in in order to learn certain things. Had I not been accused I might not have learned so much about the subject.

In line with what I'm writing about in one of my papers, it seems like certain people are descending into their own dark sea journey and rather than face themselves and learn what their soul is determined they will learn, they have chosen to externally focus their pain onto someone else. Unfortunately the soul isn't fooled that easily and will bring the lesson around again and again, til ego gives up and self reflection begins. I wish them the best in their journey.

It's a relief to be moving on.

2004-11-10T08:45:00.000-08:00

I feel lost. I have to find a way to make this all okay for everyone. For Sean, who's feeling like he's losing his home, his instrument, and his friends. For the cats and the guinea pigs who've no clue they're about to become homeless. For myself, who feels like the smartest failure on the planet. I woke up this morning wondering for my own sanity.

I think this goes back to an earlier post where I was contemplating reality. Reality is only as strong as the foundation it's built on. My reality was, I have a 2 bedroom apartment in Las Vegas, my son is doing well in school and learning to play the French Horn. I have friends I can trust and depend on. I have two kitties who I will love and snuggle and take care of for their entire lives. I have two guinea pigs who will always feel safe and warm and loved. I am in school and it's paid for, and I have school loans that will cover rent. I have a car settlement that will take care of the rest.

That's not reality. That's just a framework of details that kept my mind busy, my heart full, and my fears at bay. There is no safety in that reality. Right now the only reality that I feel would protect me is money. Is money the only real energy? AND...why is it an energy I find so challenging to create at this time in my life? Why is money such an issue?

The energy of money...gads, this is a bottomless pit! I could avoid it when I was younger, have my adventure's and not worry about whether I had it or not. It wasn't even about being younger, it was about not having responsibilities. Now I have them, and why? Because I WANT to overcome my fear of money, and this forces the issue. I HAVE to take care of my family. I'm not sure this was the way to go about it but it's where I'm at and must be dealt with. My great overwhelming, all consuming fear of never having enough money.

My psychobabble pal just reared her ugly head and said "Ya know, the fear of not having enough of something, always relates back to the fear of not having enough love". I hate one liners that oversimplify everything and make a person feel worse than they did before they started. A sentence like that is meaningless in its circular thinking, which goes something like this:

I'm afraid I won't get enough love, my parents didn't love me, so this is their fault, and what would my life be like if I had been loved as a child, I wasn't loved as a child, therefore I will always be looking for something to fill that void.

Inevitably I end up feeling like a hopeless failure, and looking at the trappings of my own reality. What a fun morning this is.

2004-11-10T08:04:00.000-08:00

I slept last night...the thing about getting enough sleep, as that a person inevitably wakes up feeling clearheaded, and I didn't really want that this morning...I thought I did, but I was wrong.

Do I stay or do I go? And, if I stay, how do I manage it? If I go, where do I go?

What's real?

2004-11-04T14:56:00.000-08:00

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS
By Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street,
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost…I am helpless
It isn’t my fault
It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I’m in the same place,
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

2004-10-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

Your an ice dragon! Congrats! Out of all the
dragons, you are most powerful but do not like
to show it. A rare and special creture, you
have artistic style and are great at expressing
yourself. You think friends and Familly are the
most important, and are a hopeless romantic.
But of course, as ice goes, you can be a little
cold or harsh at times. But not to worry, you
always apoligize later!

What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-10-29T19:41:00.000-07:00

What did I do to get this tired? I sat around with Bojo this morning, then took Sean to the Clinton rally downtown. That's it, all day. and now I'm sputtering I'm so tired. I was like this last night too...it's catching me, and it's scary when I get this tired.

2004-10-26T18:49:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. I took Sean downtown to the Kerry rally and got there just as it was ending. We wandered around and he got signs but he was really disappointed. He wanted to stay home from school so as not to miss him but I thought we'd have plenty of time. Through a series of events it turns out I was wrong. He was so excited...dammit. I'm gonna call the D HQ's and see if we can join in an election night party, that idea cheered him up a bit.

He's a crack up, really. He's in the shower now, singing something operatically...such a trippy kid.

I colored my hair today, brown copper amber, or amber copper brown...I dunno, but it's pretty. I'm going to highlight it tomorrow. I cannot wait til I have the money to get it done professionally again someday.

How did I get to be so broke for so long? I'm just feeling woeful. Things are looking up, way up. I'm just so damn tired. Driving around LV with Sean and Luke in the cab of my truck while I got lost because of redirected traffic would take a toll on a saint, and I'm no saint. I need drugs now, good drugs. At the very least I need a beer.

I was going to offer to make a happy list tomorrow but figured I need it more today ~

In the mail yesterday I got three cool things, an amazing necklace from Bella, water from Lenny for my altar jar, and lint from Osran for my paper making project. I was definitely feeling the love. A few days ago Sean told me that I have too many friends! A year ago I didn't have any friends here, and now I've got a gazillion (at least), not to mention all the friends around the globe. I got lint from two other people this week also, in the mail...how funny and cool is that?

I need to sleep...I'm feeling that tiredness that hurts...not good.

2004-10-19T11:03:00.000-07:00

Ever have a day when...

...for no visible reason it's as if a veil has been lifted and you see your life from a whole other perspective? I'm having one of them. My life is held tenuously by a delicate web of beliefs, intentions, values, friendships, that shape my personal perspective. In my books there is so much that is familiar, and yet, there is still a shift...why? How is it that I am standing outside of myself, looking down and wondering, how does she hold it all together? How can she really believe that her needs will be provided for? Doesn't she know that it could all fall apart any minute, that the only safety net that exists is based on her beliefs, and that there is nothing tangible to support her way of living? Is this real, or have I just had too much chocolate lately?

2004-10-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

Congratulations you have achieved level 4 witch
status... you have studied hard and learned
well!!

What Level of Witch are you
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-09-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

I realized this week that I've never owned a mixer, or a crockpot, or a food processor. Why? Because those are things you get when you get married...and as I've never been married...well, you get the picture...and yes, I have a few unexamined thoughts in my head. So, I'm 40. So. I went out and bought all that stuff this week. Now I never have to get married? Sean says that's not it, what it means though is that I'll get BETTER stuff when I get married. I do like the way he thinks.

2004-09-27T11:21:00.000-07:00

Hello hello...I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello...

Can't seem to get that tune out of my head this morning. I've ditched yet another online romance, could be the song's to him?

I went to sleep before 9:30 last night, an amazing thing for me but I was just exhausted. I woke up at 11:30 thinking it must almost be time to get up *giggle* I was up at 6 this morning, feeling refreshed and alert *wow* is all I can say about that. I'm on computer and TV restriction til the house gets cleaned up, came here for a quick peek and a check in as my back was hurting from vacuuming the couch. So far I've gotten the laundry sorted, two loads done, the dishwasher run, half the living room vacuumed and the couch. Doesn't seem like much when I list it like that...dammit ~ Guess I'd best get back to it. I refuse to eat today until the pots and pans are clean and it's almost noon, may have to rethink that one.

2004-09-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

Take the quiz: "Which Random Irish Gaelic Phrase Are You? "

Ta mo bhriste tri thine
Ta mo bhriste tri thine - 'My trousers are on fire.'You're a few bricks short of a load, aren't you? You're probably not allowed to use sharp objects and you should be locked in a rubber room. With Rubber rats. Rubber rats? I hate rubber rats. They drive me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. They put me in a rubber room. With rubber rats. Rubber rats? I hate rubber rats...

2004-08-31T07:59:00.000-07:00

The Mustang
Th spirit of the Mustang, the everlasting symbol of
love and of generousity protects you from being
used by others who would take advantage of you.
You are the kind of person willing to lend your
strengths to those who are true to you so that
they may better themselves and get back on
their own feet. Your quote: "He who learns
but does not think, is lost! He who thinks but
does not learn is in great danger"

What is your Inner Spirit Totem Animal?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-08-29T00:26:00.000-07:00

You are "Candle in the wind" by Elton
John. It goes like this, "And the candle
died out on the floor but the legend never
did," You are a warm person who has an
undying list of friends. You are loved by
everyone and are very creative. Music is your
passion and you are a very deep thinker.

What" 70's or 80's song are you?
brought to you by

2004-07-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

States I've visited

create your own

2004-07-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

My little wildman ~

2004-07-19T13:21:00.000-07:00

Forget about love...I wanna fall in chocolate. I'm redirecting my focus...I'm just a lousy man magnet, or it's my self esteem, or it's that men truly do suck...whatever it is, I'm just accepting that I'm to always be a single woman, and will just invest in more toys *eg

Here's the thing, I was perfectly fine with exploring my failings in regard to relationships, but before I could do that, the latest in a string of goofy guys, began an email conversation, added to it, debated it, then ended it, all before I could get a word in edgewise. I let him know repeatedly that I wanted to sit down and talk to him, that I did not want to just toss a few paragraphs off in response to what was bothering him...but once again, guess what? It's all about my being abrasive, too strong, intimidating, blah blah blah blahfuckedyblah blah *giggle* I mean really, how many times does a woman have to hear that crap before she/me gets to throw up on the speakers shoes?

2004-07-19T00:37:00.000-07:00

Coreybelle ~

2004-07-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

My perfect man: He has a sense of humor, is intelligent without being arrogant, is spiritual but does not act as if he's got a corner on the market, looks great in a kilt, and he's not threatened by an intelligent, strong woman who knows her own mind. Is that really so much to ask for? I'm sooo tired of these men who've been to a training (can you say EST?) and come out of it thinking they've got the inside scoop into everyone's psyche now. Those group process seminars would be a whole heck of a lot more successful if they didn't tell the participants that they are now more enlightened than the poor sods who haven't shot there wad on a week of seminars. I know this is soooo judgmental, but too bad...it's my blog...and I'm tired of being on the receiving end. It's being on the dating scene that brings me into contact with these jokers. My most recent horrible blind date was with a guy who could barely take his eyes off the poker machine, and then his gaze was just transfered to my cleavage. This guy had lost his "lucky ring" and when I told him an easy spell to cast in order or it to return, he got all condescending and said "what is that, some kind of superstition?"...I mean really folks, what would you call a "lucky ring"?...sigh...stupid dork...I know this wasn't a nice thing to do, but I had one of my passion party catalogues with me and I took it out to the page with the penis extender and showed it to him...subtle...LMFAO...not really...he did have some short stubby fingers though...

Do I give up on the dating scene? I'm tired of being single but don't really know if I could handle being a couple. I like the idea of a duplex relationship, we could even knock out part of our adjoining walls and put in a door for easy access...but the idea seems perfect to me...that way he can't have issues with my lack of housekeeping skills, and I don't have to let him help me decorate. He can watch TV to his hearts content, and I don't have to hear nascar in my head every weekend...I have read different opinions about couples sleeping together every night too, kind of along the lines of "familiarity breeds contempt", and one way to keep the romance in a relationship is to not sleep together all the time. Which leads me back to long distance relationships, which I'm so good at...takes up the perfect amount of time...damn I sound cynical. I really do want a relationship though!!! I'm pretty sure though, that it's just not in the stars for me...I'm too hard to please...or maybe I just don't know what I really want.

Time to ice up my back again...saw a new Dr. today, he says my back and neck are a lot more messed up than I was told. I just need my job to last a few more weeks til school starts, need to work a few more days to make rent one more time...then I'm home free and get to revel in my academic nerdiness ~

2004-04-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling in better spirits, and a really good sign is I have been for days in a row. I'm not sure how many, but I know it's a few, maybe even all week. I don't want to jinx it by looking at it too close.

Nothing much has changed, except my attitude...which is to say, everything has changed. I remember when I first read A Return To Love and realized that Marianne Williamson was offering me just exactly what I needed to take the next step in my life. A change in perspective. I think what I tend to forget is that perspective always has to be changing, and that changing it once was fine for those particular life circumstances, but I have to remain flexible. As circumstances change so must I change the way I see things.

This has been a hard lesson...I so wanted to just stay in my nice little cocoon, where my needs were met and I was safe...but I upped the ante, I know I did that, I want more from life than just making ends meet. I'm not sure why I had to go through this extended period of not having ends meet, but I have a return to faith (love?) and I'm sure now that I'm going to be okay.

I can't believe how close I came to giving up...even though I knew as I was giving up that it was part of the process of being able to rebuild. I'm still agitated and uncomfortable, like when I first worked in my ren faire moccasins...they were so uncomfortable, I could barely get them on, I could only wear them for short periods of time...but now I love them, they are like a second skin when I wear them...but I digress...lol

I've wondered what it was I was supposed to be learning this last year, and I don't feel like it was just one thing...or maybe it was one thing that all the little things added up to...but here are the little things:

learning to trust other people (still have a long way to go on this one)
accepting my need for a dedicated spiritual path
opening my heart to an amazing love (gawd this one hurt)
asking for help and risking rejection
breaking through my ego defense and admitting I don't know everything

Hmm...these are things I did, I'm not sure now what the lesson was...I'm thinking the big thing here is trust though...yep, trust...saying that feels like ego talking still...guess i'm not quite there yet...lol...gotta have a sense of humor about the whole thing now...at least I like being me again, I felt it for a few minutes today...felt really good.

2004-04-05T21:54:00.000-07:00

Life can really be amazing...just when you hit what seems like the worst spot of all, your friends pop up and start saying amazing things about you when you feel you least deserve it.

I started the day off with a telephone call from my dear friend Sue, who I used to work with. She reflected back to me so many things about me that I haven't felt like I am in a long while...and yet, she still sees them through this breakdown (or whatever) I've been wading through for...wow, 14 months now. She and I had similar awful experiences at work, we loved the work, it was great stuff, but the office environment was abusive...in a domestic violence crisis agency, no less. Her and Sallie are both doing well, once the three of us got out we began to heal...as for the folks we left behind...I got an email from another dear friend today who's suffered collaterall damage because of that hell hole, his life has been turned upside down (gee, is there a pattern here?) by some of the same employees who were running rampant back when we were there...that place is gonna have its doors shut one of these days....but I digress...

I just got off the phone with Chelle (who is rapidly becoming a dear friend) who also reflected back to me who she sees me as...again, not the person I feel I am projecting at the moment. If my short term memory was up to par I'd repeat some of the great things she said to me, but as it is, I'm left with a wonderful residual feeling...and that my fear that the people I am meeting now can't really see the real me, actually are seeing me...even through my being sick, and being what I feel is weak and needy.

I think I am finally learning what I was supposed to get out of this experience...acceptance of the Shadow side, admitting I need others, allowing a type of vulnurability into my life that I've managed to avoid...forever...lol...Chelle and Sue both feel that this is temporary, as do I...and that once again I will be at the top of my game, participating in the things I love, being sassy and the wench that I truly am...but that now is still a time for healing, accepting help, and for finding balance...

How lovely are my friends ~ I am truly truly blessed

2004-03-30T17:35:00.000-08:00

I'm an Almond Joy!!!

Take this chocolate personality test. Pick your chocolate, then look to see. No cheating! If you were buying candy and you had your choice of
the following, which would you choose?

BABY RUTH
3 MUSKETEERS
BUTTERFINGER
SNICKERS
HERSHEY'S
ALMOND JOY
CLARK BAR
REESES PEANUT BUTTER CUPS
ENERGY BAR
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS

OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about You!

STOP - - NO .... you can't change your mind once you scroll down! So think carefully what your choice will be!!!**

BABY RUTH .. Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day.

3 MUSKETEERS ... You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber.

BUTTERFINGER ... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time.

SNICKERS . Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker, however, you are a friend for life.

HERSHEY'S ... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt.

ALMOND JOY .. Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and really likes to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to you.

CLARK BAR ... You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy watching
sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.

REESES PEANUT BUTTER CUPS ..You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person.

ENERGY BAR .. Life is passing you by. Get a life! go eat a plum.

CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS .. You go to the bathroom often.

2004-03-29T19:45:00.000-08:00

OMG...what a great day...I've been unofficially accepted at grad school...and even better, that black cloud that felt like a permanent fixture is GONE. I am truly a beach girl/woman, the ocean is my love, my council, my absolute salvation!!! I dreamt about my ex last night, that I told him I loved him and he said what he felt for me was more like puppy love...lol...butthead...but dammit, I do love him and I just have to live with that. Whatever else he did, he opened my heart in such a way that the blackness of the last few months could not be avoided, and I survived...and maybe, just maybe, I have a deeper and more profound understanding of the human condition...so...why not love a person for doing such a thing?

I am driving home in the morning, well, to Las Vegas...home for the time being...but I'm coming back to California...I realize that my son has never really known me as I am when I'm living an ocean life, when I have my companion, the sea to comfort and inspire me...gawd how I have missed ME!!! Is it possible that my energy plug is the ocean? Lately I've felt like Heidi, and that I was becoming an invalid as I pined away for the Sea, as she did for her Swiss Alps...

I'm such a sentimental, mushy dreamer...too bad...lol...i just want to laugh with the joy of being here!

2004-03-21T17:05:00.000-08:00

I'm in an ambivalent state. My old friends are valiantly attempting to find me where I used to be...as I've been guilty of doing myself...while my new friends experience someone new, someone they may know better than I do yet. Is my not functioning the way I once did necessarily a bad thing? Bri asked me that last night...and I immediately said yes and gave her the analytical answer as to why...but I was too quick to protect, to quick to deny...I never thought I would be look on my past as a simpler time...Cerr's read my cards last night and my present situation was depicted by "The Wasteland"...go figure...

I read a passage in my research today that describes fairly accurately what I've been experiencing...

"Somewhere along the journey of remembering who we really are we may find ourselves in a very uncomfortable space or no-man's-land. In that place, we realize that we haven't totally let go of our old belief systems, which are breaking down, while on the other hand, we have yet to fully plug into the new spiritual truths we have discovered.

This awkward place of mind, between the death of our "previous life" and the birth of our new one, can bring on an internal crisis of uncertainty, instability, confusion, frustration and a most unspeakable despair, as the dark night of the soul sets in and makes its presence felt. The length of time it takes to "die" and the time required for rebirth varies with each individual. The entire experience might last days, weeks or years. In the process, you experience "ego death," and it's control over you begins to dissolve and lessen." (www.fromthestars.com/page26.html)

I'm too tired to talk more...my mind is swimming...my uncle died last night...

2004-03-20T14:36:00.000-08:00

What a week...I issued an ultimatum to the Universe...either the gods send something miraculous and sustaining into my life this week, or I'm outta here...

What is outta here? It's going to the mountains, retreating to the trees, wading into the warm caress of the ocean...eating passion fruit, picking papaya from the trees...it's an avocado as large as my two hands...it's the sand so warm that I fall asleep in its surrounding embrace as I lie close enough to the breaking waves to feel the spray upon my skin...

It's my miracle...in every success story on the shelves, there is always a low point, a point in which despair colors the present and future in its bleak blanket...it's the "If this hadn't happened, I wouldn't be standing before you today", story.

There is a rubberbands width between me and something...the question is, is the "something" a way in, a way out...or a way through...is it a destination or an irreversible conclusion...is it peace or is it fear...is it release...first do no harm...

If I let go...if I find a way to let go of something I can't see or hold onto long enough to know how to let go...what will happen? Nothing? Is it all an illusion, a delusion...is it schizophrenia...once upon a time (like three days ago) it bothered me that other people might read this and question my mental health...it bothered me that someone might find out that I'm not normal *snort...that has passed as I've come to accept that whatever this dark night of the soul stuff is, I must allow a way in, to find a way to accept it, to completely let it flow into my being...to let it consume me and quit fighting against the two-by-four that keeps smacking me on the head...

2004-03-16T16:16:00.000-08:00

I am 22.5% British, just like
Gwyneth Paltrow
With enough practice you can sound British but do you really understand what you are saying?

Take the Brit Quiz at
darrenlondon.tripod.com/britquiz1.htm
Quiz written by Daz